Feud For Thought

Here is my look and take on the hosts of the legendary game show, 'Family Feud.'

RICHARD DAWSON (1976-1985, 1994-1995)
The inaugural host of the show, Richard Dawson, was a veteran of the legendary sitcom, 'Hogan's Heroes.' The host with the longest tenure, Dawson was less known for his hosting skills, and rather his sexual intimidation skills. While one might describe him as a "hands-on" host, "lips-on" would be a better description. Dawson was famous for kissing every single female contestant on the lips, whether she liked it not, which of course she never did. Every kiss would begin with a Scotch-fueled* gaze into her eyes, and end with the shame and uncomfortableness similar to kissing your uncle. Dawson's reign of sexual terror came to an end it 1985, but later returned for one season in the 90's.

RAY COMBS (1988-1994)
An aspiring comedian, Ray Combs became the host in the late 80's, after the 'Feud' had been off the air for three years. Combs may have been small in stature, but was big in heart, energy, and charisma. He also had the fact that he wasn't an amateur sexual predator going for him. Combs may have been a prototypical game show host, but still had a likability that Alex Trebek couldn't even dream of condescending. Unfortunately for Combs he could never escape being typecast as a game show host, and only two years after hosting his last episode of 'Feud' he killed himself in a psychiatric ward. Survey says.....we will miss you Ray!


LOUIE ANDERSON (1999-2002)
Typically, one would never expect to hear "Yeah, Louie Anderson would be a great choice!" However, once I learned that the other possible host at that time was Dolly Parton, my response would have been just that. Personally, I felt like Anderson's career peaked as Maurice, the cashier at McDowell's, in the 1988 classic, 'Coming to America.' After seeing Anderson host just a few episodes of the 'Feud', I knew that I was right. His heavy breathing and nasally voice, which made Rosie Perez sound like James Earl Jones, was just too hard to take. Anderson had the shortest, and ultimately the most forgetful reign as king of the 'Feud'.

RICHARD KARN (2002-2006)
Richard Karn shot to fame as Al, the uber-boring assistant to Tim Taylor, on one of the most overrated sitcoms of all-time, 'Home Improvement.' Karn's Stuart Smalley approach to hosting was evident from the beginning, with one exception - doggone it, people didn't like him! He seemed to take the job too seriously, and never appeared to be having fun while hosting. Luckily for Karn, he succeeded Louie Anderson, which made him look great by default. Karn may have gained his initial fame from 'Tool Time', but he truly achieved "tool" status during his time as host of the 'Feud.'

JOHN O'HURLEY (2006-2010)
I was definitely surprised when I first heard that O'Hurley would be taking over the hosting duties on the 'Feud.' Let's face it, he is one of the most recognizable sitcom characters of the last 25 years. I imagine most people don't know him as John O'Hurley, but rather as Elaine's boss, J. Peterman on Seinfeld. Peterman's time as host was neither great nor horrible, but very middle of the road. He had a charm about him that outshined his predecessors, Anderson and Karn. However, every time I would see him, I was always disappointed to not see Elaine bumbling around him.

STEVE HARVEY (2010-present)
I have been a fan of Steve Harvey, dating back to his 90's WB sitcom, which bore his name. While I never expected to see him host the 'Feud', I have been pleasantly surprised with the job he has done. The first thing I noticed about him is that he seems to be genuinely having fun hosting. His interaction with the contestants is unparalleled. His reaction to bad answers, and the way he lightly pokes fun at them is good-natured. I feel like The Feud has finally found a host that is worth watching, and hopefully that is exactly what everyone will be doing on their sick days, and long bouts of unemployment.

Oh yeah, I have one final note. Richard Dawson went on to marry a former contestant, which goes to show that his sexual intimidation was not unwelcome by everyone.

*Pure speculation

Dear Daddy,......

Dear Daddy,

It's hard to believe that it has been almost 10 years since the last time I saw you. That was easily the worst day of my life. A lot has happened since then, so I thought I'd fill you in on what you've missed.

The Bruins won the Stanley Cup last night. It was impossible for Mum and I to not think of you, or wish you were there to see it. I still cherish the time you paid way too much to take me to see Wayne Gretzky play, or especially the time you took me to meet Bobby Orr.

The Patriots had a run that you would not believe, but it hurts me the most to tell you that the Red Sox have won two World Series in recent years. You instilled your love of baseball in me, and like my love for you, it will never die.

You now have three beautiful grandchildren. Your grandson carries your name, and definitely has a bit of you in him. You would love them so much.

I know I haven't been the best or most productive person over the past few years, but please understand that the years following your death took a heavy toll on me. I never knew quite how to feel about what happened, and turned to destructive habits to numb my pain. It hurt so much thinking about what you must have gone through, and at times I felt guilty about it, even though it was no one's fault. I promise you now that I WILL do my best to make you proud.

Oh, I also wanted to thank you for showing up in my dreams so much lately. I feel like I actually get to spend time with you again, and that brings me a tremendous amount of comfort and joy.

I love and miss you so much!

Love,
Jonny

P.S.
It was nice to meet you, too.

A Royal Pain

In less than 24 hours, the eyes of the world will be focused upon Westminster Abbey, where Prince William of Wales (aka Billy Windsor) will exchange nuptials with the ever foxy, Kate Middleton. I imagine many of you are hearing of this for the first time, since it has received little to no media coverage, so please allow me to drop the 4-1-1.

- "Royal Watchers" have already begun to claim their spots in the streets of London, with the hopes of catching a glimpse of a kiss between the two newlyweds. In this country we have have another term for "Royal Watchers" - it's called stalking, and it's a felony in most states.

- Approximately 1900 people have been invited to the wedding. Some of the guests include Lady Elton John, Mr. Bean, Guy Ritchie, and Posh Spice, along with her husband, MLS legend David Beckham. Noticeably absent from the list are Sarah Ferguson, Prince William's former aunt, as well as the Royals all-time hit leader, George Brett.

- Kate will be arriving to the ceremony by car, instead of by horse-drawn carriage, as Princess Diana did when she married Charles in 1981. I hope this doesn't mean that Kate will be taking a ride through a Paris tunnel in a horse-drawn carriage sixteen years from now.

- Adolf Hitler, excuse me, Prince Harry will serve as William's best man, while Kate's sister, Pippa, will be Kate's maid of honor. (Sorry Harry, I don't care how royal and drunk you are, wearing swastikas in public is just a bad choice.)

- All guests have received a 22-page etiquette guide informing them of what to wear, how to act during the reception, and how to greet the Queen. Tweeting will not be allowed during the ceremony, as to ensure the intimacy and privacy of a ceremony being shown on every TV station known to man. Also, there will be no open bar, which to me defeats the purpose of attending any wedding.

- Instead of registering at Crate & Barrel, the couple has asked that guests donate to charity as a wedding present. Sadly, this means William and Kate's servants will be forced to make their tea with an out of date Breville Tea Brewer & Kettle. (Did you know that Prince Charles has a servant to put toothpaste on his toothbrush? True story. Did you also know that a Breville Tea Brewer & Kettle costs $250? Did you also know that you're an idiot if you pay $250 for something that you can make for next to nothing?)

So there you have it folks, everything you never wanted to know about a family that you don't really care about. I hope you enjoy it, as much as I hate hearing about them.

One final note, I predict a Royal divorce in 2023.

The Circle of Life

What was one of the first things you did after you were born?

Still Thinking?

Ok, I realize it's hard to remember that far back. I can't even remember what I had for dinner last night. Fortunately for you, I do know that one of your firsts was riding in a car. That's right, your parents had to get you home from the hospital some how, and since you were almost 10 pounds, the Priority Mail rates on you would have been ridiculous.

You took your righful place in the middle of the backseat, while Dad is driving about 2 miles an hour with a kung-fu grip on 10 & 2, and Mom is dreaming of a Tanqueray & Tonic taller than Manute Bol.

If you're lucky, in a couple of years you will have a little brother or sister. The only good thing to result from this will be a window seat. That's right George Jefferson, you are moving on up! You have been waiting for this day for a long time. Finally, you will be able to play with those buttons and make faces at the passing drivers. Of course, none of the other drivers will notice you, because they will be busy texting.

It's now 10 years later, and you are ready to take the next big step. That's right, you're riding shotgun now bitch! It's overwhelming at first; a much better view of the road, a new seatbelt (with extra protection!), and the Holy Grail that is having control of the radio. The front seat also comes with a new sense of unearned power, which allows you to be a dick to younger brothers and sisters who are still wasting away in the backseat. Now that you've ridden in the front, you refuse to ever let yourself return to that black hole with no leg room.

A few more years pass, and you suddenly find yourself about to take your rightful throne behind the wheel. You are officially now the man! More kids at school are pretending to like you, girls will actually talk to you, and an occasional trip to the backseat is well worth it. You feel accomplished and know that life is only going to get better from here.

The next thing you know, you're pushing 40, and stuck in traffic on your way to your mother-in-law's in Delaware for Thanksgiving. Besides cursing the day you were born, and wondering when your wife will finally shut up, it is with great jealousy in your eyes that you sneak a peak at your newborn son sleeping in the back seat and two thoughts come to mind: "What I wouldn't give to be back there" and "Why does he look so much like my wife's boss?"

Weathering The Storm Coverage

I have lived in New England for all but five years of my life, and I am still completely dumbfounded by the amount of news coverage that snow receives.

It typically begins anywhere between late October and early December, when the first snowfall arrives. The reporters hit the streets, with rulers in hands, and douchetastic attitudes to interview the residents of this fine region. Long years of journalistic study come to life with a question like, "So, how about this snow?". The person being interviewed will have the thickest Boston accent you have ever heard.* The reply will go something like this, "Oh jeez, I can't believe it!"

After the in-depth street interview is over, they will throw it back to the studio, where Captain Obvious and some lady who couldn't shovel her way out of a summer day are anchoring the coverage. These folks are riding high on their pretentiousness, and triple venti mocha lattes, no whipped, with soy milk. We learn early on that the anchors are not only journalists, but also amateur stand-up comedians. Apparently, the safety of a warm studio gives them the bravado to tool on their counterparts in the snow with ruler in hand, and thumb firmly in ass. The anchor now channels the spirit of Walter Cronkite, and asks, "So, what's it like out there?" Everytime I hear them ask this, I cross my fingers that the reply will be something like, "It's fucking freezing and snowing like a bitch, you asshole!". Instead, the reporter will either put their ruler to use or describe the snow for us. "It's cold, wet and heavy, Chuck, much like my wife". Deep.

The absurdity returns back to the studio where the closings of cult-like Sunday schools no one has ever heard of scroll across the screen. We are again greeted by Captain Obvious and his trusty counterpart, "If you're just tuning in, it is snowing today." The good Captain then delivers the famous line, "if you don't have to go anywhere, don't." At this point, I am down a few thousand brain cells, as well as questioning why I am watching a circus of ass-clowns telling me something I could find out by just looking out the window.

Ultimately, the joke is on us, because we get snowed on by mother nature, while getting shit on by Channel 7. This is New England, where the weather changes more than Lady Gaga. Get over it, and let's watch some football!

*Blog on this subject coming soon

The Conditions of Conditioning

As I approach the twilight years of my twenties, I am constantly looking inward to find the answers to so many questions I have. Will I ever get married and have kids? What will I be doing in 10 years? How will I be remembered after I die? However, the question that pops into my mind the most these days is: Do I put conditioner in my hair while the shampoo is still in, or do I rinse out the shampoo and then apply the conditioner? I think having a "y" chromosome prevents me from finding the answer within, so I must reach out so I can finally be at peace. I feel like I am cheating my locks when I use the 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. All I want is for my hair to shine like a beacon of light from the heavens above. Is that so wrong?