In less than 24 hours, the eyes of the world will be focused upon Westminster Abbey, where Prince William of Wales (aka Billy Windsor) will exchange nuptials with the ever foxy, Kate Middleton. I imagine many of you are hearing of this for the first time, since it has received little to no media coverage, so please allow me to drop the 4-1-1.
- "Royal Watchers" have already begun to claim their spots in the streets of London, with the hopes of catching a glimpse of a kiss between the two newlyweds. In this country we have have another term for "Royal Watchers" - it's called stalking, and it's a felony in most states.
- Approximately 1900 people have been invited to the wedding. Some of the guests include Lady Elton John, Mr. Bean, Guy Ritchie, and Posh Spice, along with her husband, MLS legend David Beckham. Noticeably absent from the list are Sarah Ferguson, Prince William's former aunt, as well as the Royals all-time hit leader, George Brett.
- Kate will be arriving to the ceremony by car, instead of by horse-drawn carriage, as Princess Diana did when she married Charles in 1981. I hope this doesn't mean that Kate will be taking a ride through a Paris tunnel in a horse-drawn carriage sixteen years from now.
- Adolf Hitler, excuse me, Prince Harry will serve as William's best man, while Kate's sister, Pippa, will be Kate's maid of honor. (Sorry Harry, I don't care how royal and drunk you are, wearing swastikas in public is just a bad choice.)
- All guests have received a 22-page etiquette guide informing them of what to wear, how to act during the reception, and how to greet the Queen. Tweeting will not be allowed during the ceremony, as to ensure the intimacy and privacy of a ceremony being shown on every TV station known to man. Also, there will be no open bar, which to me defeats the purpose of attending any wedding.
- Instead of registering at Crate & Barrel, the couple has asked that guests donate to charity as a wedding present. Sadly, this means William and Kate's servants will be forced to make their tea with an out of date Breville Tea Brewer & Kettle. (Did you know that Prince Charles has a servant to put toothpaste on his toothbrush? True story. Did you also know that a Breville Tea Brewer & Kettle costs $250? Did you also know that you're an idiot if you pay $250 for something that you can make for next to nothing?)
So there you have it folks, everything you never wanted to know about a family that you don't really care about. I hope you enjoy it, as much as I hate hearing about them.
One final note, I predict a Royal divorce in 2023.
