The Circle of Life

What was one of the first things you did after you were born?

Still Thinking?

Ok, I realize it's hard to remember that far back. I can't even remember what I had for dinner last night. Fortunately for you, I do know that one of your firsts was riding in a car. That's right, your parents had to get you home from the hospital some how, and since you were almost 10 pounds, the Priority Mail rates on you would have been ridiculous.

You took your righful place in the middle of the backseat, while Dad is driving about 2 miles an hour with a kung-fu grip on 10 & 2, and Mom is dreaming of a Tanqueray & Tonic taller than Manute Bol.

If you're lucky, in a couple of years you will have a little brother or sister. The only good thing to result from this will be a window seat. That's right George Jefferson, you are moving on up! You have been waiting for this day for a long time. Finally, you will be able to play with those buttons and make faces at the passing drivers. Of course, none of the other drivers will notice you, because they will be busy texting.

It's now 10 years later, and you are ready to take the next big step. That's right, you're riding shotgun now bitch! It's overwhelming at first; a much better view of the road, a new seatbelt (with extra protection!), and the Holy Grail that is having control of the radio. The front seat also comes with a new sense of unearned power, which allows you to be a dick to younger brothers and sisters who are still wasting away in the backseat. Now that you've ridden in the front, you refuse to ever let yourself return to that black hole with no leg room.

A few more years pass, and you suddenly find yourself about to take your rightful throne behind the wheel. You are officially now the man! More kids at school are pretending to like you, girls will actually talk to you, and an occasional trip to the backseat is well worth it. You feel accomplished and know that life is only going to get better from here.

The next thing you know, you're pushing 40, and stuck in traffic on your way to your mother-in-law's in Delaware for Thanksgiving. Besides cursing the day you were born, and wondering when your wife will finally shut up, it is with great jealousy in your eyes that you sneak a peak at your newborn son sleeping in the back seat and two thoughts come to mind: "What I wouldn't give to be back there" and "Why does he look so much like my wife's boss?"

Weathering The Storm Coverage

I have lived in New England for all but five years of my life, and I am still completely dumbfounded by the amount of news coverage that snow receives.

It typically begins anywhere between late October and early December, when the first snowfall arrives. The reporters hit the streets, with rulers in hands, and douchetastic attitudes to interview the residents of this fine region. Long years of journalistic study come to life with a question like, "So, how about this snow?". The person being interviewed will have the thickest Boston accent you have ever heard.* The reply will go something like this, "Oh jeez, I can't believe it!"

After the in-depth street interview is over, they will throw it back to the studio, where Captain Obvious and some lady who couldn't shovel her way out of a summer day are anchoring the coverage. These folks are riding high on their pretentiousness, and triple venti mocha lattes, no whipped, with soy milk. We learn early on that the anchors are not only journalists, but also amateur stand-up comedians. Apparently, the safety of a warm studio gives them the bravado to tool on their counterparts in the snow with ruler in hand, and thumb firmly in ass. The anchor now channels the spirit of Walter Cronkite, and asks, "So, what's it like out there?" Everytime I hear them ask this, I cross my fingers that the reply will be something like, "It's fucking freezing and snowing like a bitch, you asshole!". Instead, the reporter will either put their ruler to use or describe the snow for us. "It's cold, wet and heavy, Chuck, much like my wife". Deep.

The absurdity returns back to the studio where the closings of cult-like Sunday schools no one has ever heard of scroll across the screen. We are again greeted by Captain Obvious and his trusty counterpart, "If you're just tuning in, it is snowing today." The good Captain then delivers the famous line, "if you don't have to go anywhere, don't." At this point, I am down a few thousand brain cells, as well as questioning why I am watching a circus of ass-clowns telling me something I could find out by just looking out the window.

Ultimately, the joke is on us, because we get snowed on by mother nature, while getting shit on by Channel 7. This is New England, where the weather changes more than Lady Gaga. Get over it, and let's watch some football!

*Blog on this subject coming soon

The Conditions of Conditioning

As I approach the twilight years of my twenties, I am constantly looking inward to find the answers to so many questions I have. Will I ever get married and have kids? What will I be doing in 10 years? How will I be remembered after I die? However, the question that pops into my mind the most these days is: Do I put conditioner in my hair while the shampoo is still in, or do I rinse out the shampoo and then apply the conditioner? I think having a "y" chromosome prevents me from finding the answer within, so I must reach out so I can finally be at peace. I feel like I am cheating my locks when I use the 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. All I want is for my hair to shine like a beacon of light from the heavens above. Is that so wrong?