Weathering The Storm Coverage

I have lived in New England for all but five years of my life, and I am still completely dumbfounded by the amount of news coverage that snow receives.

It typically begins anywhere between late October and early December, when the first snowfall arrives. The reporters hit the streets, with rulers in hands, and douchetastic attitudes to interview the residents of this fine region. Long years of journalistic study come to life with a question like, "So, how about this snow?". The person being interviewed will have the thickest Boston accent you have ever heard.* The reply will go something like this, "Oh jeez, I can't believe it!"

After the in-depth street interview is over, they will throw it back to the studio, where Captain Obvious and some lady who couldn't shovel her way out of a summer day are anchoring the coverage. These folks are riding high on their pretentiousness, and triple venti mocha lattes, no whipped, with soy milk. We learn early on that the anchors are not only journalists, but also amateur stand-up comedians. Apparently, the safety of a warm studio gives them the bravado to tool on their counterparts in the snow with ruler in hand, and thumb firmly in ass. The anchor now channels the spirit of Walter Cronkite, and asks, "So, what's it like out there?" Everytime I hear them ask this, I cross my fingers that the reply will be something like, "It's fucking freezing and snowing like a bitch, you asshole!". Instead, the reporter will either put their ruler to use or describe the snow for us. "It's cold, wet and heavy, Chuck, much like my wife". Deep.

The absurdity returns back to the studio where the closings of cult-like Sunday schools no one has ever heard of scroll across the screen. We are again greeted by Captain Obvious and his trusty counterpart, "If you're just tuning in, it is snowing today." The good Captain then delivers the famous line, "if you don't have to go anywhere, don't." At this point, I am down a few thousand brain cells, as well as questioning why I am watching a circus of ass-clowns telling me something I could find out by just looking out the window.

Ultimately, the joke is on us, because we get snowed on by mother nature, while getting shit on by Channel 7. This is New England, where the weather changes more than Lady Gaga. Get over it, and let's watch some football!

*Blog on this subject coming soon